Untitled

There are those inexplicable things, those "you had to be there" moments in life, and most of the time they don't translate well to the written word. It is with this disclaimer that I am going to attempt to relate our lunch last Friday.

Allan and I were on our way to Pittsburgh for the weekend, and we chose to drive across route 64 to Charleston, West By God Virginia, then up route 79 to my hometown. We can drive up route 75 to 71 and halfway across Ohio to route 70, then across the other half of Ohio, through the West Virginia panhandle to Washington, PA, then up route 79 for 50 or so miles — but as I've written here before, Ohio will suck the soul right out of you, no matter which way you cross it.

So eastward on route 64 it was. We decided to stop for lunch close to Charleston, because beyond it on 79 there's not much happening except for mountainous curves and more mountainous curves until you get to the "Hi-Tech Corridor" of Clarksburg and Morgantown.

We were hungry by the time we crossed over into West Virginia, and we decided to stop at the Shoney's in Huntington. It sits next to a Golden Corral, but we thought we'd keep our Golden Corral eating record at zero, so Shoney's it was.

When we walked into the place, the hostess was on the phone with what appeared to be a personal call (while accepting people's payments). We stood for a few minutes, and she finally waved over a server, then got off the phone. A young man had walked in after us, and was waiting as well. We were led to our seats, and as we walked away, we heard the hostess exclaim "Oh, honey, you just HAVE to show me your new tattoo!" I bit my lip, and once we were seated, Allan told me he had bitten his. Unfortunately, neither of us got a look at the young man's tat.

I don't know if you've ever eaten at Shoney's, but it's kind of like Eat 'N Park (if you're from Pennsylvania), maybe like Denny's or Perkins, perhaps a bit like Big Boy. Shoney's has a lunch buffet, which includes a salad and "dessert" bar, and that's what we opted for.

We sat and ate and talked and observed our surroundings. I was watching a guy at the buffet when all of a sudden I heard "Rrr-rr-rr-rr-rrrrrr!"

Allan and I looked at each other. Where was the rooster?

"Rrr-rr-rr-rr-rrrrrr!"

The man I'd been watching pulled his cell phone from his pocket and said "Hello?"

I laughed and sputtered "That's better than the frog ringtone!"

And I laughed and laughed, and the man talked and talked. Allan was laughing more at me than at the ringtone, I think.

The man finished his phone call and continued building his plate. He helped a woman who wondered about the beans. "Well, these here are northern beans, but I saw some pintos over there!"

Allan and I just looked at each other. The rooster ringtone had brought the Shoney's experience to a whole new level of weird.

We finished our meals, and Allan excused himself to the restroom. I sat and silently quaked with thoughts about the rooster ringtone. When he returned, I went to the restroom, and the bizarre lunch got bizarrer. (Yes, I know that's not a real word. Cut me some slack.)

As I was walking to the bathroom, a large waitress came barreling out of the kitchen area, nearly cutting me off. I followed her; she was already in the handicapped-access stall by the time I got to the restroom. The middle stall toilet was unflushed, so I went to the end stall, where the toilet was also unflushed. I felt like yelling "Don't you people in West Virginia know how to FLUSH?!" My ecologically-minded id was crowing "When it's yellow, let it mellow! When it's brown, flush it down!"

My brain arguing with itself, I settled on the end stall (because you never go into an adjacent stall in a public bathroom if you can help it) and went about my business. The waitress two stalls down emitted an airy fart. "Better here than in the restaurant," I thought. I peed. She peed. She farted again.

I finished in the stall and went to wash my hands at one of the two sinks. The waitress server was still doing her thing, and I got busy with the soap and water. The next thing I heard was the bang of the stall door and the whoosh of the restroom door.

That's right. THE WAITRESS. SERVING THE FOOD TO THE PEOPLE. DID NOT WASH HER HANDS. AFTER PEEING.

In her defense, however, there was no sign reminding employees that they must wash their hand after visiting the restroom. BECAUSE MAYBE SHONEY'S DOESN'T WANT TO PATRONIZE ITS EMPLOYEES.

When I got back to Allan, waiting at our table, he said to me "That has to be the grossest bathroom I've ever been in." I said "Wait, listen to THIS," and recounted my toilet tale.

He laughed and told me about the women at the buffet comparing beets and pickled beets.  "I won't eat a beet unless it's pickled!" said the woman with the cane to the woman without.

We settled the bill and left the restaurant. Allan noted the Marshall University trinkets available near the cash register and chuckled at "all gift shop sales are final." By this time, anything was funny to us, you must understand.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, Allan said "Oh, look! There's a regional medical center across the street. That's probably a good thing."

I laughed for the 83rd time, and we decided I needed to blog about our experience. I actually jotted notes down (just like Nancy Drew!). And then I laughed and gurgled "I have a great title! 'They Are Marshall'!"

We drove on toward Charleston, laughing.

Okay, so maybe you had to be there.

Comments

[Audra]

CLASSIC! I love it! There are definitely some of those "gotta be there" road trips out there. Reminds me of when we were driving down in the Texas hill country and came across this small town. We needed gas and for a while the only thing we saw was this OLD two story building (it looked like maybe they once lived above the gas station) and the place was empty except you could see these faded old curtains that were SHREDDED and blowing in strips out the window in the wind. Chuck said "Hell no! We are not pulling in there, it looks like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" HAHA!

P.S. I'll be looking for a ROOSTER ringtone later tonite! LOL

[Calista]

Ohio is evil, isn't it? Love your stories.

[Michael C]

Way to...
Seriously you SO did that experience justice! I cannot believe she didn't wash her hands. Your story just elevated our Corona Denny's to steakhouse-with-no-prices-on-the-menu status.

And please, please, please send me the rooster ring tone if you can find it. it would be the perfect match to my ringtone containing the entire cast of The Office taking turns saying 'That's What She Said.' Perfect, I tell ya!!
;-)

[rel]

Ali,
Sounds like a Lucille Ball script. ;)
rel

[Elisabeth]

Your post definitely reminded me why I try not to eat at places like Eat & Park (which my daughter used to call "Eat & Barf!), Denny's, Shoney's, Bob Evans, etc. I broke my rule the other day, and ate a quick meal at a Denny's - at past midnight, no less. But I had a very nice and hip waiter named Seth, who called me "Hon" the whole time - and the guy looked like he was about 19 or 20 years old!

Re. restaurant bathrooms: I avoid them at all cost! Gross, gross, gross. If you think that someone farting in the next stall is bad, imaging someone puking their guts out. Believe you me, it does take fortitude to return to a meal after that.

And - the waitress not washing her hands after having used the bathroom. I think that I would have reported it to a manager. No kidding! (I am sure that those unhygienic practices also occur at very high class restaurants.)

Reading this was great fun, thanks for having shared the experience with your faithful readers!

[The CEO]

I have marked your blog, "do not read during breakfast" and forwarded to Michlin. (I laughed a lot)

[Beth]

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!

Makes me wanna tote a can of Lysol in my purse and spray down my food before I eat it.

Ew!

I guess I'm more of a germaphobe than the average bear, but seriously, I don't understand how anyone – whether they handle food or not – can walk out of a bathroom without washing their hands.

Ew!

[AlisonM]

If you look at the total picture of what women do in the restroom, not washing hands is par for the course. Ickyickyicky! I always carry tissues, hand sanitizer, and wet wipes in my purse (and extra in the car.) Renaissance Faire porta-potties taught me a very important lesson.

[Allan]

I suggested the title, "Almost Heaven...".

[Beanie]

Ali, it's a Shoneys in West By God! What did you expect??? Classic stuff, though.

I have often thought about doing a series and entitling it "Tales from the Salad Bar", about the weird conversations people have when at the salad bar in places like that. Because they're always bizarre.

My husband and I had a similar experience in a Denny's in Oceanside California, which is populated primarily by Marines who have temporarily escaped from Camp Pendleton. Ironically, it's also the site of the Surfer's Hall of Fame. Witnessing the mixing of these two genetic species over Sunday breakfast was a life experience.

It caused my husband to postulate about what happens when men inherit the Rugger allele on the Y chomosome and it's allowed to over-express through too much participation in contact sports a teenagers. The gene turns inward, causing them to enlist in the Marines.

[Beanie]

P.S. Having lived much of my life in Ohio, driving here does, indeed, suck the life out of you. It's great if you want to spend 4 or 5 hours discussing metaphysics however, as there surely is nothing to distract you along the way.

[Betty C.]

OK, maybe you had to be there, but your post did a pretty good job of taking us there. I can imagine the hilarity the ringtone added.

I have some moments like that from last summer in the USA -- our stop in Wallace, Idaho, where we all started humming the theme from "Deliverance" on the way out of town, and the girls got the picture even though they didn't get the reference...

Or my trip back up from Eugene,Oregon to Olympia on the dog. I overheard some conversations that I would love to be writer enough to recreate...

[sizzle]

I'm like a 12 yr old boy. I pretty much think any story involving farting is funny though seriously she didn't wash her hands? THAT grosses me out!

[Audra]

Betty C. So glad to hear that there are others that enjoy the humor of humming the theme to "Deliverance". Unfortunately we have had a few too many occasions to hum at!

[Tiffany]

Downloading rooster ring tone... NOW!

[uǝʞoʇ]

...I think I was there.

[catheroo]

This is the funniest post ever. And it made me late for work, I was so enthralled in the story. Thanks, Ali. :)
It kills me that the server said something after farting. And the rooster ringer...and "said the woman with the cane to the woman without." I would be crying tears of insane laughter.
I want to go to Shoney's now. They should have an ad campaign: "Participating in NaBloPoMo? Come here for blog fodder. And grits!"

[k8]

The theme song from "Deliverance" is going through my head....

[Scott Beveridge]

I once passed David Dye, the host of World Cafe, after we peed at The Warhol. He didn't wash his hands, either. Seems there are sloths everywhere.

[rebecca]

NOT DAVID DYE,TOOO!!!! NOT AT THE WARHOL!!!! :(

oh man.

i lived in uniontown, pa, which is a stone's throw from morgantown, west by god virginia.

it is scary. very scary. that all these things happen. scary because it is true. what else can you do but laugh??? the alternative is whipping out a machine gun. and while that may not be looked at as that unusual, it is still against the law. just sayin.

hey, thanks for the memories!

[Carrie]

I drove to Put-in-Bay, or the ferry at least, somewhere in Ohio. This was years ago. I remember it was hell. But that whole weekend was hell so it's hard to differentiate which part was worst :)

Not washing the hands....I couldn't have eaten there after seeing that. Ewwww!

[Suzy]

Beanie - my mother used to live in Oceanside and I have witnessed the mingling. It is definitely something you need to see to appreciate!

Alison - I took a picture of that very sign while driving through Ohio on my way to Florida a couple of years ago. I should have realized it was a warning. Ohio had the worst traffic of the trip, and is secretly huge, unlike the way it portrays itself on the map. A friend informs me that if you speed in trying to make your Ohio experience as short as possible, they make you pay the ticket before leaving the state if you 're not a local. Hell, indeed.