Self

"Hey, whatcha doin', Fat Butt?"

My sister said this, or some variation thereof (but always ending with "Fat Butt"), to me on many occasions.

I was nine. Maybe ten.

Nearly thirty years later, I'm still carrying around body issues.

I don't mean to put all the blame on my sister. But she planted a seed which took root (deep root) and grew over the years. I wasn't fat. I might have been chunky, but those were just my genes at work. I evened out as I hit puberty, but I couldn't see it then.

My demon wasn't my butt, however, despite my sister's name for me. It was—is—my gut. My belly. You see, my stomach has never been flat. Ever. I have always had a little poochy tummy, even at my slimmest, between pregnancies. 119 pounds, 54 kilos, and I had a little belly.

I've written on this blog about having gained forty pounds in 2005, and how I was going to work to get those pounds off. I'm down ten and holding. I work out three times a week, but my diet fluctuates between good and evil.

Lately I've been thinking of self-perception, and how distorted it can be. Thirty or forty pounds ago, I was thin—not 119 pounds—but a healthy, albeit un-toned weight. And I had no idea. All I could see was my belly and how not flat it was. Nowadays it's even more not flat, and I kick myself for not knowing what I had back then.

This working-out thing is great, though. I know my body is changing. I look at myself from some angles and think I look okay. Then I glance from another angle and feel crushed at how fat I am. I have a ways to go before I get the body I want. I know I will never have a flat stomach, because women aren't supposed to have them. There's a reason we have a little pudge below our belly buttons, and it has to do with our ability to grow a child in our wombs. This is something to be rather proud of, I think. Yet I have to remind myself daily of this, because we are bombarded with images and messages of THIN.

I look at myself and I don't think I could possibly weigh as much as I do. Then I look at my gut and am disgusted. Every day I struggle with my self-image. I know I'm not alone. Stephanie Quilao blogs about this very subject at Back In Skinny Jeans. Last week she and I shared belly stories via e-mail; we have a lot of things in common. Her blog is a great resource for those of us with body image issues, by the way.

We all have different reasons for our insecurities. In my case it was two words, spoken when I was a child. Maybe the insecurity will go away. After all, I am taking charge of the way my body looks. I can only hope. It's tiring to not feel good enough, thin enough, beautiful enough, sexy enough. And to that, I say "Enough."

My name is Alison. I'm 5'4", and I weigh 170 pounds.

Comments

[barb]

ah, Ali! I love you!!!! I said that out loud after I read this and my friends Susie and Toño here asked who Ali was and I said oh just a really cool blogging buddy.

I have a similar story about my feet. My sister said I was deformed and I believed her and have been self conscious about my feet ever since. I also hate my skin. I have the biggest pores in the world and I hate seeing picture of women with perfectly smooth poreless skin. Those body images are so hard to get out of our heads, even when we try to be good feminists and read our Naomi Klein books! I'm never going to get over it I think. Especially if I go back to Colombia --country with the highest rate of plastic surgery in the hemisphere or something like that.

Anyway I just wanted to say I hear ya on this, Ali. You're very brave.

[bhd]

Meh. You're just short for your weight. *wink*

We saw Candye Kane this past weekend. Large woman, 44 GG bust (no shit!), amazing blues voice. "Shake what ya got, if it's a little or a lot!" According to her, she climbed out of poverty and off the welfare rolls by posing nude for magazine spreads, and by her own account, that gave her great confidence and helped her accept herself and get over body issues.

And you're looking for something to do, right?

Seriously. I believe we're as sexy as our partners think we are. That puts you pretty high on that scale, I think.

[Jack]

It is funny how little innocuous remarks can stay with you. I have a few that still irritate me too.

[AlisonM]

Some of those remarks are not too innocuous. I'm still working out some of them with my own therapist 30 odd years later. Keep reminding yourself how wonderful you are - and if you have trouble doing that, there are certainly people around you who'd be glad to do it for you.

[Neil]

Does anyone really care about how flat your tummy is other than you? You seem to be an awfully lucky woman. You exercise and take good care of yourself. Whatever happens happens. I wouldn't fret too much about it. But then again, you probably would be so interesting if you weren't a little bit neurotic.

[steph]

it is amazing how little memories from childhood can hang on you for the rest of your life isnt it? I agree though, the little layer of fat on our bellies is natural. the flat hard abs we see on women all over the covers of magazines are the unnatural, sometimes even unhealthy, ones.

[kkonmymind]

Ahh...you make so many good points...where to begin?

I'll just say thanks :) You helped me have some perspective today.

[Stephanie Quilao]

I feel you on the remarks that can stay with you a lifetime. My first real boy crush was back in Junior High. I loved this boy from afar because I was really shy. Finally, I got the courage to have a friend tell my crush that I liked him. I waited and waited. The friend kept making excuses. I finally got mad, and made her tell me what he said. She kept saying I didn't need to know and that the guy was a total jerk, and I was better off finding someone new. So, now I'm dying to know. The crush said, "She's too ugly. I'd never be seen with her." I was devastated, and those words stuck with me everytime I had a crush on some guy.

But all is not sad. 10 years after that heinous remark, I ran into the old crush at a dance. But now, I was 5'7", the acne and glasses were gone, the hair was longer, and I was thin. He asked me to dance. I told him "No, because if I remember correctly, I'm too ugly to be seen with." It was sweet. Yes, juvenile, but sweet.

[Susan]

I never imagined you to be 5'4"!

I have the same issue with weight gain and
such. I guess as we age it just stays on. Some days I except it, some days I hope to get it off. Some days my philsophy is that this is the last portion of my life and I should be able to eat, drink, be merry and not care.

I wonder why we can't get over the slings and arrows of childhood and adolescence?

You know Allen loves you just the way you are.

[Mist 1]

Maybe you know already...I am a recovering anorexic. I say recovering because somedays I still wake up fat. This morning, I looked in the morning and decided that really, what is the big f*cking deal? That was refreshing. I am trying to love the skin that I am in and all my new padding where ever it may fall. Somehow, and I know that I shouldn't, I like to know that I'm not the only one.

My name is Mist 1. I'm 5'4" and I don't own a scale.

And that, is the least funny thing I have ever written.

[Kathie]

Oh, Ali (I finally linked to you, sorry for being so slow!) I love this post. You've practically written my weight life, right there. It's so bizarre how you never realize how thin you are until you go up another chunk and look back. And, how hard it is to get the lose weight ball rolling. I'm exactly where you are--holding at 10 pounds lost. I'm planning to really go after the loss at the new year. Cliche', I know. But I need to get back to comfortable in my skin...Love your blog.

[Margaret]

I don't weigh myself this time of year because I too have body issues. It's not so much my weight, but the flab. I look great in clothes, but NOT so great unclothed. I am starting to look(and feel) 50. Kind of depressing.

[Catheroo]

Do we have the same sister? The other day, mine asked what size jeans I was wearing, and I said "They're size N" and she said "They must be a big size N!" What the?!?

Man can I relate to this post, nearly all of it. The childhood pudge, the low weight, the comparing body parts to a time when they were not so large. ARGH! Why do we do this? And why does it matter so much to us, when the ones we love love us as we are? No one knows, it just matters. We are too hard on ourselves, that's for sure.

I'm sorry what your sister said so long ago planted such a seed, but (selfishly) I'm relieved to know that I'm not alone.

And you're not either.

[Carrie]

Ahh sisters. Aren't they wonderful? ;)

You'll get where you want to go, I have no doubt. Meanwhile, don't worry about the little belly. You're right, women are supposed to have one.

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

Bravo Alison. Interestingly enough, tonight I was going to do a post on body image issues for mid-life to older women. The idea grew out of an interaction today I had with my best friend ... she did not wish to leave her home or have company over because of her concern regarding weight issues. Anyway, thanks for giving voice to somethinng I was thinking of ... much peace, JP

[rel]

Alison,
Hey gorgeous, thanks for the comment on my haiku!
You're the best!
rel

[meredith]

I feel like that pressure to fit into some kind of image mold is even worse in France. I don't know about you, but it's easier for me to feel better about how I perceive my self image when I am in the USA.

[rebecca]

wow, did this ring home for me.
when i was growing up, i was slim, but always felt like i should be skinnier. at my best in high school i was 5'6 1/2" and 135 but i felt i should be 120. i never got there, and i stayed there until my heart broke and then the weight kept piling on. i look back at those pictures and know i didn't realize how wonderful i looked then, and that is sad. what is also strange - and i think this is true - sometimes (with those like myself who are significantly overweight) we have a self image of at least 30lbs less than we actually are, so when we look in the mirror or whatever - it can doubly hurt.
i will never admit to anyone what i weigh now, but in my pictures i'm sure everyone can tell. it is a HUGE issue with me. i wrestle with it more than just daily - sometimes hourly.
sometimes i love who i am inside & out, and sometimes i feel like i'm a beautiful person inside & out, but - then i look around and i see that plus sized women aren't viewed the way they were in cleopatra's time, unfortunately. there is social stigma there. obviously, it is different for women than for men....
anyway, i'm rambling, but this is a good start to a blog for me.
a lot of my weight issues are with failure...and fear, fear of success and failure. so, you can imagine where i am, and how i can be about setting goals...
thank you for sharing this, and i want to tell you that i think you are not only a lovely person, but i think you're beautiful on the outside as well. good for you for doing what you do for yourself. remember to recognize all your achievements as they are many.

[jen]

it's hard - even though now I'm SUPPOSED to gain weight - hard to change my focus: that I need to gain weight, that exercise is just for energy/strength now and not to maintain my weight. It's so different ...

[ms. sizzle]

i can certainly hear my own thoughts echoed in this post. thanks for having the honesty to really say what it feels like. so many of us are in the same boat. it's not easy! truly finding body acceptance at any weight is something all of us in our own way are dealing with.

you're doing great!

[gina]

As you know, I have terrible body image issues. Anorexia will be with me for the rest of my life in one form or another and frankly I am at a point where I could be a "good anorexic" again and lose all this stupid weight. I am 5'10" and weigh 145 (or so). It's the curves I hate most (my hips and ass) and then there's my arms - gawd, I hate my arms! Sigh.... I will never be one of those strong, confident women who say "I'm beautiful just the way I am!" I'd settle for finding a way to be skinny as hell. ;)

[Chris]

Everyone's got issues. Just be happy with you, who you are, who you've become. That's all any of us can do.

[The CEO]

I am a friend of yours no matter what. I am here to support you. I like you just fine.

[ally bean]

I think that we're trained by the media to never be happy with who we are. Everyday I remind myself that good health, and not thin thighs (my nemesis), is the goal. But some days I just can't overcome the lifelong programming that who I am isn't right.

[Deb]

Not to sound corny (though I am sure that is exactly how it will sound), but you need to be happy and love your body just as it is. Especially if you are eating pretty good and exercising a bit for the most part. You can only do so much.

I have had my own issues with weight, and still do to an extent. But I am coming to realize that this is just the way my body is (despite how hard I may try to keep fit) and I just need to accept it.

I am sure Allan loves you just the way you are! ;o)

[cassie-b]

Keep up the good work. And don't worry too much about those evil food days. Just concentrate on the good ones.

And exercise is such a good thing to do for yourself.

Cas

[sallyrogers]

Excellent post. Excellent thoughts. Excellent job.

[mamaVISION]

Hi Ali! Excellent post. The ending just killed me. You are among a growing, community of women that are done with self defeat. I have two words of advice, which I just blogged about last night in haste, after reading posts from several women expressing the exact same feelings as you:
1 Cancel all fashion magazine subscriptions and remove them from your home. I've been clean for 15 years and it feels damn good!

2 Chuck the scale. No human being needs to weigh themselves daily, even weekly or monthly is overkill. We have convinced ourselves that stepping on the scale is normal, it is not. I have never owned a scale in my adult life. I know my weight by my jeans, and that's enough for me.

Take care!
mamaVISION

[Stephanie]

I've been a yoyo dieter all of my life. My oldest sister has always been obsessed with her weight and she was always putting me on a diet too. She is 14 years older than me..
Whenever I would go to visit at her home in the summer, She would put me on a diet and so ould my dad, whom I only saw in the summer. Mostly because she told him to put me on one.. think that I have had self -esteem problems all of my life.. I have never really felt"good enough"//I'm just now, at 43.. realizing that I am OKay...
This is such a tender subject..obviously to others too..
Lots of love and hugs.....
Thanks for posting this...

[Amber]

Wow! 30 comments! Maybe I should blog about my fat butt!! :) Girl, you know I love you and you know I think you look great! I think you're perfect just the way you are! Maybe later this evening I will blog the conversation I had with Daniel and Rosie when they were looking at my wedding picture... It will cheer you up.

[newwavegurly]

You've met me. You know what I look like. You know that I'm significantly larger than you.

That said, I had to come to terms with who I am many many years ago. I used to diet... a lot. When I had to have my gall bladder removed, I vowed I wouldn't do that to my poor body again. I say that because I was quite young to have a gallstone as large as I did, and need to have my gall bladder removed. One of the things that causes this in people (in addition to a family history of it) is yo-yos in weight. I decided that I wasn't going to do damage to my body in that way anymore, because I didn't know what other kind of damage I might be doing.

I know that I'm in better health than a lot of people that are a lot slimmer than I am. That's the part that is important to me, not the vision in the mirror.

Yes, I sometimes go through phases where I want to do something drastic to change the image I have on the outside... then I remember that I really like who I am on the inside.

[Aimee]

Great entry... so honest.

I have always had body issues and I know mine, like yours, stem from childhood. It's going to be interesting to see how my body reacts after the baby is born. I thought getting pregnant it would be over for me and my dreams of being "fit" but pregnancy has been good to me and I feel really good about myself right now. But we'll see...

And the belly pooch thing, I've had that since I was born. My parents called me the incredible chunk. I guess I'll never live without it.