Remember Monday? That day I went back to bed? Well, going back to bed freaked me out. It's what I used to do two years ago, when I was off work for depression. I'd walk my kids to school, then go back to bed.
Monday was a bad day. I cried and raged, and wondered why I was feeling so bad when my life is pretty good right now. Allan listened, and then spoke. When I went to work my boss saw right away that something was wrong. So I told her the truth. And she told me the truth: "If you feel like this job isn't for you, I need to know as soon as possible." Or something like that. She sent me home, and said she wouldn't need me until Wednesday morning.
I forget the rest of Monday. I can't remember what we did.
Tuesday was a little better, but I was still shaky. We went to the cemetery and took photos, then got cappuccinos at Third Street. And I made a decision.
See, now, none of this is coming out the way I wanted it to. I can't make you feel my despair, and quite frankly, you're probably thankful for that. Here, then, is a blog post that might have been:
Top 5 Reasons I Quit My Job
5. Incessant beat of bad cover songs boring into my brain
4. Need to smile and look perky all the time
3. CHANGE STATIONS NOW
2. I don't want to be tied to a job right now
1. I don't need to be tied to a job right now
That's what I wasn't talking about in my last post. On Wednesday, I quit my job. Then I worked out, because I do love the exercise that I get there.
Things have been better since then. Yesterday I got a massage, at the insistence of The Universe. It was 90 minutes of bliss. This afternoon, I'm going to see a doctor. I could probably use a check up, but I also need to know if Monday was just a fluke, or if I am really suffering from depression — or if it's something else.
Quitting a job, I can understand. It's the working out part that still confuses me.
Posted by: Mist 1 | October 13, 2006 at 09:36
I can completely sympathize on the bad radio front. If I hear that damned
shole DALEEN!!
shole DALEEN!!
shole DALEEN!!
shole DALEEN!! (X 4 1/2 minutes)
song one more time, I can't be held responsible for my actions.
But you take care of yourself.
Posted by: ptooey | October 13, 2006 at 10:10
Good for you for leaving something that wasn't good for you. I think you're better suited to work at Third Street Stuff. *That* would be cool!
And really, that first reason you quit is plenty. Oh, how I loathe that music. I would much prefer my iPod, but then I wouldn't be able to hear the cue to leave and go to the next station and chaos would ensue.
Posted by: Catheroo | October 13, 2006 at 10:19
Sounds like a good decision then, hope you are ok though.
Posted by: Katherine | October 13, 2006 at 11:42
Glad to hear you are taking care of you. The massage sounds nice, too!
Posted by: kkonmymind | October 13, 2006 at 12:47
Oh... I hope you feel better soon..
Bunches of hugs.....
Stephanie
Posted by: Stephanie | October 13, 2006 at 13:19
5 + 1 drove me from my last place of employment. I understand your decision. Seems sane to me.
Will you still be going there to exercise? Or will you be doing that on your own now?
Posted by: ally bean | October 13, 2006 at 13:25
Ally, I will continue to work out there. It's a great place for that.
Posted by: Alison | October 13, 2006 at 13:28
You gave it a shot, that's what counts. There are plenty of things out there to keep you busy, whether or not they pay.
Stay creative & keep moving--That's all you can do to outrun the monster.
Relax and enjoy the support all around you....
Posted by: ALY | October 13, 2006 at 13:34
Hmmmmm 90 minutes of bliss? Lucky girl... (in more ways than one)...
Cheer Up!
Posted by: Maria | October 13, 2006 at 14:22
You took the job because you thought it would be good for you. You quit it because it wasn't. That's the right thing to do. Good for you!
Posted by: Karan | October 13, 2006 at 14:55
It was exactly the right thing to do, and working out was exactly the right thing to do. Exercise is great for your mood, especially when you're depressed. I once waited until I had a breakdown to quit a job, and I can tell you it's not a good thing to do.
The day when we had to stay with a job until we retired, no matter how miserable it made us, are long gone. You'll figure out what's right for you at some point, but that wasn't it.
Posted by: Alison | October 13, 2006 at 15:16
It is just Mercury in retrograde... makes everything intropective and depressive. It is going to National Write a book in a month in November, why dont you write a book (I'm going to do it) and add your fabulous photos to them... it could be fun!! I'll post on my blog about it in a bit.
Big Hugs
Posted by: Riana | October 13, 2006 at 15:46
girl, I have a membership there as well (although I don't go as much as I should), and the music makes me CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. bad bad bad. I usually go with my ipod, even though that means I miss the "change stations now" most of the time and get dirty looks, and they all think I am anti-social. plus, I don't really want to do the beanbad tic tac toe.
BUT, I do like going...
Posted by: cmhl | October 13, 2006 at 16:27
You do what you need to in order to put yourself in the right frame of mind and in the right place, my friend. Too many people do what they think other people want them to instead of what they should do for themselves. It's good that you saw the signs and did for YOU.
Posted by: newwavegurly | October 13, 2006 at 17:51
yeah, well, shit happens, Ali. No, no, just kidding! I don{t... I don{t don't. oh wow, look at that! I{ve --I mean I've got a Spanish keyboard all of a sudden!! (I was foolin' around with the settings earlier) wow. hey! hold on here
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. yep all there. but where's the n with the tilde... ,.-!1"#${+ áoooh there{s the accent!!! íéóú!!!!! wow! I can type accents!!! this is sooo cool.. but where's the n[{*¨M;:_-.,mNn!n|nnn°|¡ hey! ¡hey! ¡que chevere! ¿ ¿¿¿ ¿como estas Ali?? er, no I mean ¿Cómo estas? wow I'm so proper now! Ok, sorry I'll look for n later...
Anyway like I was saying...I don't know why I said that. (my first sentence). It was very flippant. I'm sorry. I'm in some kind of strange mood tonight. Ok, I think I'll actually say something with this comment (you were beginning to wonder weren't you?) and that something is yeah, for me, sometimes I had to have a good friend kick myself in the butt. That always helped. But that might not work for you.
I'm glad you quit your job. Screw it. Why be part of the capitalist machine if you don't have to be? haha )sorry, been reading Marx lately). I say get yourself some more massages and go out and take pictures with your new freetime!
love you Ali!!! hang in there!
besitos!
Posted by: barb | October 13, 2006 at 22:01
ñ
Posted by: barb | October 13, 2006 at 22:10
Ñ!
Posted by: barb | October 13, 2006 at 22:11
Be well. Second person I've run into today with a mention of depression. It's a bitch and many of us fight it. Hang in there and you'll be fine. I promise.
Posted by: Chris | October 13, 2006 at 22:31
I know what you mean. I couldn't smile that long without oral surgery and a tank of nitrous. And, as I may have inadvertently mentioned before, given a choice between fighting 24 ninjas naked and selling major appliances to women, that fighting the ninjas was more appealing. And much safer. Not that I have an opinion, naturally.
And, I'm still waiting for everyone else to answer first before I decide. I'm no fool.
Posted by: The CEO | October 13, 2006 at 22:37
Bad cover songs would certainly ruin my mood. I agree with Karan. It's impossible to know how a job will work out--some do, and some don't. You are better off without it.
Posted by: Margaret | October 13, 2006 at 22:57
Reply to Oct. 10 blog was actually my reply to this one.
I'll get it right one day. :lol:
Posted by: owld | October 14, 2006 at 04:51
I would think working somewhere that it is not a person's cup of tea could "depress" anyone. It brings up all sort of issues about time management, your "place in the world, money, etc. It's important to listen your gut over what is the right thing for you to do. You don't have to get depressed about not having all the answers right now.
Posted by: Neil | October 14, 2006 at 13:49
You done good. Bliss? I like bliss.
Posted by: bhd | October 14, 2006 at 14:09
Ali, I am currently working at the mall with a bunch of girly girls...if you know what I mean. I am doing this just through the holidays on Sundays for floorsets and I am wondering if I can make it through all the silly highschool like conversations. Thank goodness I don't have to listen to loud mall music on top of it. I would beyond depression and my family would have to beg for food before I could pull myself into that store to work!
You have to take care of you. I understand completely why you quit your job.
Posted by: Pumpkin | October 14, 2006 at 18:09
I have never been in a position to sleep my depression away in bed instead of going to work. Instead I was left going from job to job as my depression got worse and people grew tired of my inability to, well, do my job. I slept when not working, though, or did more self-destructive things as a change of pace. Hard days...
It is awesome that you don't have to work. I have never been there and doubt I will ever find myself there, but dang I will be jealous of your chance to do just that. ;)
If you need to talk to someone who's been in the depths of depression, holler at me.
Gina
Posted by: Gina | October 14, 2006 at 19:04
come to phoenix... i'll let you feed my dogs
Posted by: alan herrell - the head lemur | October 14, 2006 at 19:07
Have to take care of yourself.
Posted by: Melissa | October 15, 2006 at 01:03
I spent most of my teens and twenties depressed, so I know what you mean. Be careful, and be well.
Posted by: winter | October 15, 2006 at 12:28
Clinical depression is such a drag, and that's such an understatement. Nipping it in the bud is the best thing you can do. Quitting the ill-fit job, exercizing, getting the massage, making the doc. appt.: all good. Your health (mental and otherwise) needs to come first. Take care.
Posted by: claire | October 15, 2006 at 16:54
Hugs. Lots of them.
Posted by: sallyrogers | October 15, 2006 at 19:49
Good for you for putting yourself first and taking care of yourself. There are many times in life where we simply don't do that. My husband struggles with depression and we find ourselves looking at behaviors all the time saying "Is this a sign?" and such. Only you can take care of you and applaud you for doing it. I know its a very hard thing to do.
Thinking of you,
cj
Posted by: cj | October 16, 2006 at 11:25
Depression sucks, but I think you are handling this properly, by looking into that sinking feeling that you had for a couple of days. The job situation was probably not helping. Heck, it was worth taking it, you realized it was not for you, and ditched it. Good decision.
Hope all will be well soon.
Posted by: Elisabeth | October 16, 2006 at 17:59
Ali, you're a wise lady. It is far more important to take of yourself first. You can always get a "job". Here in America, we can get so obseesed with careers that many will sacrifice their lives and health in order to climb or make a buck. But the reality is, if you are not well and do not take care of yourself, then you are not going to go far. Better to take the break, heal, and them move on. The jobs will always be there. You only have one you. I'm proud of you for putting your health first, and taking the time you need to heal.
Posted by: Stephanie Q | October 19, 2006 at 17:01