Ça Fait Mal

This morning at about 9:50, we lost our internet connection. The cable company was apparently tweaking something, because Allan's sister had no internet either. I was pretty mellow about it, because I had the paper to read and other things to occupy me. Now, had the outage gone on a long time, I'd have started jonesing in a big way, but everything was back in order within an hour or two.

The lack of connectivity got me thinking of other things, and I remembered something that happened about five years ago. I was married to J at the time, and we had had internet in our house for a year or so. Having internet at home was such a blessing to me because I was able to better keep up with events in the United States. I was also completely enamored of the technology. I spent a lot of time online, and this became a bone of contention between me and my husband.

One day he came home for lunch. The kids were at school, and I was home from one of the three jobs I was working at the time. I was home, but I was online, and he got angry — most likely because I hadn't done some chore he thought I should have done. We got into an argument, and he took a pair of scissors and cut the cord that went from the computer to the phone jack. I think I just stood there, shocked. I can't really remember.

After he left, I went out and bought a new cord for the modem. I knew I couldn't live without that internet connection. Much, much later, I realized that surfing was my way of escaping my marital problems. Surfing also exacerbated those problems, but that is beside the point now.

This morning, as I remembered this, I ached. There were so many other painful incidents. So many words and acts that hurt me.

These memories come to me often, usually as a result of some train of thought I am having. I had another flashback yesterday while Allan and I were out somewhere. He could tell something was wrong immediately.

I want to know when this will stop. Why do I go back and remember? All it does is hurt. No, wait. It hurts, but it also makes me so very grateful for the love I have now.

I still don't want to have my mind do anymore time traveling, though.

Comments

[bhd]

See? That's healing in a safe place. Such memories catch my breath and maybe make me dance around a bit with some discomfort, but they're just memories of hurt and not the hurt itself.

Almost seventeen years after breaking up with my ex, I still have these moments from time to time. Yes, less and less frequently and with less power. And it's easy to move on, especially when I can get myself a loving hug.

Nice entry. Thanks. Be well.

[Margaret]

It is a normal thing to revisit the past, and we all do it. I think it's a way of adjusting, grieving for what was, being thankful for the present. Tu es tout a fait normale. Ne t'inquiete pas.

[cassie-b]

I keep posting here and then losing it. Sometimes I wonder.

I've been in a situation where I was always in jeapody of being wrong. Didn't really matter what I did. The memories still seep in sometimes, but the times are getting farther apart.

[newwavegurly]

I think you kind of answered your own question, Ali:

All it does is hurt. No, wait. It hurts, but it also makes me so very grateful for the love I have now.

[Melissa]

I've been divorced for 3 years now and I still have flashbacks. Less painfull than at first, but still there.

It does get easier.

[Lee]

He really cut your internet connection cable?

I wonder if that's what Mr. Bobbett did to Lorraina a few years back?

[Carrie]

I agree with everyone else. In time, it will pass completely. For now, you're just working out the healing kinks ;)

[meredith]

I am sorry you had to once live like that and I hope those kind of memories will get replaced with those made in the good life you are living now.

[CindyDianne]

After 12 years I still remember. But, it's funny how time has softened it. There are the memories of mean things said and done, but now I also remember happier things from that time - even about that relationship. For me it has been like most physical pain I have ever experienced, I remember it less as time goes on. I know that it hurt, but I don't remember the details any longer. A healthy and happy relationship helps too!

[Thomas]

At the risk of being all sensitive and crap, the memories of the past are the only posessions you'll ever really own. They can be lessons, roadblocks and even warnings. They can also be a security blanket, a hug and a couch cushion fort.

It was once noted that the vastness of the universe should only be contemplated with one's toes all snugly underneath a comfy blanket. So too, past painful relationships should only be done from the safe haven of a loving relationship with a man who appreciates you.

Now go forth and bed your man; bed him well and marvel at how he always lovingly leans down to kiss your cheek as he does you doggy style as opposed to the violent hair pulling to raise your body up to do the same as you had experienced before.

[Karan]

I've found that memories of all things come back to me...even decades after the actual memory making moment...sometimes when they do, I replay them in different ways wonder how it could have gone differently...but those times are rare. What does happen over time is that the sting of the bad recollections isn't as bad...it mellows over time.

[fatguyinfrance]

I TOLD YOU MONTHS AGO....IT TAKES 5 YEARS...
I DIVORCED MY FIRST WIFE IN 1983, SHE DIED IN 1993? I STILL HAVE TIMES I THINK OF HER AND WHAT WENT WRONG IN OUR MARRAGE.
5 YEARSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

[Alison]

Thank you for all the kind comments, everyone.

[lily]

i hear ya, ali. it happens to me from time to time, too. i would say its normal...and though its not fun, it gets easier to get through when it happens.

i went through 1 year of panic attacks before i had the strength to end my marriage.

it was the best thing i ever did, but there were still twinges of pain along the way. and sometimes still to this day. it gets better. you know that. :)