Today I went back to the house I left 17 months ago.
It wasn't the first time I've been back, of course, but I haven't spent so much time -- if an hour is a long time -- there in quite a while. It was strange to be there, but in many ways it felt normal.
Look on that shelf. There are those candlesticks I bought at Pier 1. Heh, that yummy orange candle is still on the one candlestick. Over there is part of my collection of blue glass bottles. Wow, the ficus has grown. And there's Java. Hi, Java!
But most of those things are being hidden, overshadowed by new trinkets and projects, many of them kid-oriented. My son has a collection of bugs on pins. My daughter's stamps are spread on a towel in front of the radiator. There's a terrarium with a newly-discovered beetle in there. Hard-backed comic books, des bandes dessinées, line the shelves.
The coffee table, that huge, grey, square table that I lovingly rendered a sunny yellow, looks a bit worse for wear. The organdy curtains I bought have faded a bit. The computer desk has slimmed down to accomodate the flat monitor he bought. Things have changed, are changing.
"You can't go back," they say, and it's true. My heart aches when I enter this house, aches for what was "supposed to be" and what didn't happen.
I suppose I'm ultra-sensitive to it now, as I prepare to move back across the Atlantic Ocean. I've spent my entire adult life in France. I know better things await me, that love awaits me. I know this, but it's still hard to turn the page.
Been there, just not with kids involved ;)
You'll be okay. It's good to know you're heading toward love, instead of heading toward being alone. That's the bright side :)
Posted by: Carrie | January 18, 2006 at 16:56
It will take a bit more time for those things to fade from being emotional triggers. I know. I spent my first Christmas with hobbitt, crying in his arms with great regret about my first marriage. Well, it had to happen sometime, huh? Patience, trust, and loving self-care will get you through.
Posted by: bhd | January 18, 2006 at 20:08
I never have been there...and I hope I never am. So, I don't quite know what to say to that. Except that I hope the future treats you better than the past and yields wonderful things.
Posted by: Chris | January 18, 2006 at 20:17
It does always feel weird to go back. I had this conversation with older daughter on the phone last night. She had a serious boyfriend for 2 years in high school and can't quite forget him. I told her that her memories of that time all include him, so he will always be a part of that period of her life. Like your house and those memories. They hurt, feel strange, but time will heal.
Posted by: Margaret | January 18, 2006 at 23:39
Hi Ali, I wish you all the best. Moving in a different direction can be hard to do, even when we know that its the best thing for us, and there are so many things to look forward to. Not everything turns out how we had expected - sometimes through the worst times we have the best unexpected surprises awaiting us down the next path. I would have never planned my life out the way its taken the past few years - NEVER - but I remind myself every day that if I didn't get so sick, I wouldn't have known what I was missing.
Thinking of you.
CJ
Posted by: Connie | January 19, 2006 at 01:45
ah. sigh. yea, time marches on, and sometimes our hearts linger in spots to catch the final rays of hope that shown there so long ago. its sunset time sweety. A beautiful sunset. One that has most of your life wrapped in it.
Know i am here if you ever just want to cry for a minute or two, and not explain why.
:HUGS:
Posted by: melanie mitchell | January 19, 2006 at 02:10
The up side? You're going to do it all over again, candles, curtains, fixing up, etc. with someone who loves you and appreciates you. And you will build a place for the children in that new setting.
Respect.
Posted by: owld_skipper | January 19, 2006 at 03:16
Oh my, that's where your babies were born right? That's got to be hard. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you what to do with those feelings. I think it's perfectly natural and if it were easy then we'd take it all, life, children and marriage, for granted wouldn't we. You're only being human and unfortunately it often takes us by surprise and hurts more than we ever think it will :(
Posted by: misschrisc | January 19, 2006 at 04:14
Welcome to the USA !! :)
Posted by: Paul | January 19, 2006 at 05:03
Ali, you made me eyes fill up on that one I hope the best for you ...you give me hope
God Bless you
Daphne
Posted by: daphne | January 19, 2006 at 09:35
wow, what a HUGE change. have your kids lived in the states before???
good luck!!! I'll be vicariously watching through your blog!
Posted by: cmhl | January 19, 2006 at 11:11
Un moment très fort j'imagine. Difficile de se mettre à ta place et très sincèrement je souhaite ne jamais le vivre.
Allez !! regarde devant toi maintenant !
On t'embrasse.
Posted by: Alain | January 19, 2006 at 12:47
The house looks better because you are looking at it from a different light. What you started there is still there, the basis for a "warm and fuzzy" home for your children. It will help them to see your presence there once you've moved.
So while it's hard to say, "It's time to move on," had you not left this house, it wouldn't look this good today in your eyes. You'd still see it as a prison.
Posted by: Anne | January 20, 2006 at 02:43